13. September 2017

Advice on separation

Inquiry
“I am currently in an uncertain situation. I have been separated for two years and live in a house we built together. We did many things ourselves. I look after the house and garden myself. My husband rarely comes but when he does he helps a little. Financially, nothing is regulated. That bothers me a lot. Meanwhile I have stomach, heart and breathing problems. Actually, I want to sell the house. My husband is against it. I want to get a divorce.”

Request to Proitera
Ms. A. wants to know what her legal situation is. She wants to be more confident with her husband and talk to him about the divorce.

Intervention of Proitera
In the first step, we discussed Ms. A.'s primary concern, namely her legal situation and how to handle divorce. Afterwards, I recorded her statements about her health. We examined what was weighing  on her made her palpitate and left her breathless. Ms. A. was able to make clear, goal-oriented statements on specific questions. It became clear that her focus was on her powerlessness over her husband and the unresolved situation. She felt insecure and outraged, and found no words to use to her husband. That made her furious with herself. In the course of the counselling, Ms. A. realised that feelings and actions were directly related and so communication had stalled. By demonstrating patterns of behaviour and further possibilities, it was possible to change the nature of her communication. On the basis of the “collusion principle according to Jürg Willi”, Ms. A. also understood how it had come to this point. Understanding these relationships helped her let go of the guilt feelings and rebuild her self-confidence. This created the basis for a constructive clarification of further steps. 

Result
After the first conversation, Ms. A. began to actively approach the situation with her husband. That brought a noticeable relief. Her health problems disappeared. Immediately, she found that the work was easier again. During the final discussion, she explained to me that the conversations at Proitera helped them separate emotionally as a couple. What is more, they even found a way to talk to each other almost amicably. After a deliberately scheduled counselling interruption, Ms. A. announced with pleasure that her husband had now taken over certain duties around the house. They even realised that after retiring, he could move into a separate apartment on the ground floor.  She is well again and she feels no more under pressure. She was particularly proud that she could now be more self-sufficient. The counselling did not lead to the intended divorce, but to an adapted form of relationship after many years together.

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